


clean.

by AnxiousCupcake



Series: half-baked unrelated plot kitties [9]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Friendship, LETTING GO is the theme ok, Marinette POV, NO ONE REJECTS ANYONE, Realisations, Taylor Swift - Freeform, adrigami NOT endgame, adrigami and lukanette stans do not enter, adrinette kind of, alya is a good friend, and NOT endgame, because of course, idfk how to tag this so i'll assure you that, implied feelings and romance, just thought i should bE CLEAR AF BEFORE U ENTER, lukanette NOT endgame, marichat friendship, no one cheats, no one dies, no salt but because they're barely there, platonic fluff with romantic subtext, this COULD count as happy ending? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiousCupcake/pseuds/AnxiousCupcake
Summary: Marinette decides that letting go of her feelings for Adrien is what is best for her, and she is resolute on that.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Kagami Tsurugi (Minor), Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug (Minor)
Series: half-baked unrelated plot kitties [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980556
Comments: 19
Kudos: 151





	clean.

**Author's Note:**

> what is this? hell if i know :)

* * *

PART - I

* * *

_It was months and months of back and forth_

_You're still all over me_

_Like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore_

_Hung my head as I lost the war_

_And the sky turned black like a perfect storm_

In the silence of her room, Marinette stared at the black umbrella - usually in the warm, loving corner of her closet - on her chaise. More than anything, all she was feeling was a bone-deep exhaustion. 

“Marinette?” Alya called sleepily, sitting up in her loft bed and reaching for her glasses. “What’re you doing up?”

“I need to get over him.”

“What?”

“I don’t like what it does to me,” said Marinette, voice small. “The nerves, the fear. Being so… _On edge_ and scared.”

Alya quietly slipped off the covers and climbed down the ladder to stand next to Marinette, brows furrowed in concern as her eyes landed on the umbrella. 

“Where’s this coming from, M?”

“ _Everything_ , Al!” burst out Marinette, tears stinging her eyes. “I-It’s starting to feel like _that’s all_ I am. I don’t like how that’s become my _identity_.”

Alya linked her hand around Marinette’s and tugged her gently towards the chaise. Carefully setting the umbrella on the floor, she sat Marinette down on it before kneeling down in front of her. 

“Girl, what happened?”

“I- I find myself making _bad decisions_ ,” she sniffled, eyes filling up with tears. 

She _kept_ making the wrong choices. Losing Master Fu was _her_ fault. Getting Ryuuko instead of Queen Bee even though that would’ve been a better choice and so it was _her_ fault that Miracle Queen happened. 

And she _kept_ hurting people. Luka, Kagami, _Chat Noir_. They didn’t deserve that. 

“I don’t like who I’ve become, Al. I- I never _cared_ about boys this much, it’s not… I don’t… And he doesn’t even _notice_ . He doesn’t see me, and I’m just… _Done_ ,” she sighed. “And I _know_ it’s not his fault, but he brings out the worst in me. No, that’s not fair. My _feelings_ for him bring out the worst in me, and I don’t like that. I hate how it makes me feel about myself.”

“Oh, Marinette, it’s really not that bad,” cooed Alya. “You’re a girl in love and-”

“It’s not that bad, _really_ Alya?” asked Marinette, sniffling. “The fact that people I grew up with thought I could… Be _so jealous_ over a guy and sabotage someone? That isn’t bad? I must have done _something_ to make them believe I am capable of that! The worst part is I _did_ do that, didn’t I? It was easy to believe after that thing with Chloe and-”

Alya winced guiltily. “M, I didn’t-”

“I don’t mean you, I just…” Marinette softened immediately. “As I said, my feelings for him are not doing me _any_ good at all. I am starting to think that it’s letting people think the worst of me.” She finished in a small voice. “I just don’t want to be like that. It’s not the kind of love he deserves. Nor the kind I want to give, either.”

“I just want there to be more to what I do than _a boy_ ,” she grimaced.

Alya giggled a little. “No boys in _this_ house.”

“Shut up, Al,” snorted Marinette. “You have a boyfriend.”

“That I do, that I do,” hummed Alya.

“I’m going to tell Nino that you forgot about him,” said Marinette solemnly. 

“Oh noooo,” Alya said dramatically. “That would break the poor boy’s heart.”

“I love you, Al,” sighed Marinette, a fit of laughter later, as she rested her head against her shoulder. 

“I love you too, girl,” smiled Alya. “But seriously, whatever you need, alright?”

Marinette considered for a moment. “No more schemes. No more missions or operations or _anything_.” 

“Aw,” pouted Alya. “I loved planning those.”

“And no more trying to leave us alone.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Actually, I’m going to need you to make sure it doesn’t happen _ever_.”

“ _Ever_?” asked Alya incredulously. “Girl, you’re still going to be friends with him, right?”

“Well, okay maybe till I’m… You know, okay.”

“Okay, fair,” Alya conceded.

“And... “ Marinette inhaled deeply. “Don’t give me _any_ updates on… his dating, and whatever.’

“Okay, Marinette,” sighed Alya. “Whatever you need.”

“I just need to be able to get over him.”

It felt like the end of something big, which was silly. But maybe also not, because maybe Marinette shouldn’t have _let_ it get that big. She had responsibilities that were greater than these schoolgirl fancies; schoolgirl fancies that had not done her any good in the first place. 

Marinette thought it ironic that the sky had blackened to foreshadow a storm. She suspected it’d last a few days at least. 

  
  


“Hey, Adrien.”

“Marinette! Hey!” he beamed. If it made her ache a little, she pretended it didn’t because it shouldn’t anymore. “Want me to drop you off?”

Her eyes widened just a bit, but she shook her head gently, a warm smile on her face. “It’s okay, thank you. I just… Uh…”

“Everything okay?” 

His eyes were soft, green and so, so concerned for her. But over his shoulder, she saw Kagami approaching. So she looked away, inhaled deeply and plastered on a smile before looking back at him.

“Peachy. Everything’s fine, thank you very much for your concern.” 

She winced internally at how her voice had risen, and thrust her hand forward. 

“I keep meaning to,” she started slowly, eyes fixed on the umbrella. “But I keep forgetting to return this to you.”

“What?”

The confusion in his voice finally had her look him in the eye again. She chuckled and nodded at the umbrella. “It’s yours. You gave it to me on your first day of school, remember?”

“No, yeah, I remember,” he said, the confusion not having left him as he still kept looking at her.

Kagami was waiting behind him at a distance, and for that, Marinette was grateful. So she powered through, eyes flickering back to his. 

“I’m returning it to you,” she said, shaking the umbrella lightly. 

“I- I didn’t intend for you to. I don’t mind, honest.” Adrien blinked. “Besides, it looks like it’s going to rain. You’re gonna need it.”

She gave him a wistful smile. “I’m sure you don’t, but it isn’t mine to keep.” And then she pulled out a small pink umbrella with white dots on it. “And I’ve got my own this time.”

Reluctantly, he took the umbrella from her and stared at it, looking at her with worry. “Why now?”

“I thought it was about time, is all.”

Before he could say anything, she took a step down so he was towering over her on the stairs. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Adrien. Bye!”

“Bye, Marinette.”

She walked away, thankful that she had to go in the opposite direction of where Kagami stood waiting. She did not look back, not even once, though she could feel his gaze boring into her back. She trudged on as it started to rain, and walked past the bakery. 

She wandered till the Seine came into view. She stood by the embankment, slightly out of breath as she gazed out at the torrents of water lashing against the concrete bank. There was a dull ache in her chest, but she felt that just maybe she had just a little bit of her life back in her control. 

Yes she’d had whimsical dreams and fantasies about life with a boy she thought she was deeply in love with, but maybe there would be more dreams in the future. And maybe they would be with someone who would _see_ her and bring the best out of her, and made her want to be a better person for _herself_ rather than for them.

She lifted the umbrella off her head to tilt her face up to the sky, eyes fluttered shut as she let cold as ice rain soak her to the bone. It felt a lot better than the bone-chilling exhaustion that had settled into her. 

Yes it hurt a little, or maybe a lot and maybe it would keep hurting for a while but she had to believe that she would be okay, that _this_ would be okay. 

Baby steps.

* * *

PART - II

* * *

_There was nothing left to do_

_When the butterflies turned to_

_Dust that covered my whole room_

_So I punched a hole in the roof_

_Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you_

A few months later, Marinette carefully set the bracelet he had made her into the box she stored all her mementos - press dried roses from Chat Noir, her ticket stub from the first movie she was allowed to watch with her friends, a necklace from her grandmother that she'd ended up breaking when was ten, among the many other things. She removed the pictures of him from the walls save for photos that they were in with their friends, and absolutely cleared the corkboard by her bed of all pictures of him. The box of gifts she had made had already been handed over to her parents so they could donate it to children in need. 

For Adrien's birthday this year, she would do what she did for all of her _friends -_ a birthday card, a cake or a dozen macarons of their favourite flavour and _one_ handmade gift that would take her no longer than two hours to make. 

When Chat dropped into her room some time later, she had thrown open the skylight and was kneeling on the bed right below it, eyes closed and face tilted upwards towards the moon and stars.

He observed, and made no attempt to hide his curiosity as. "The photos are gone."

"The _posters_ ," she corrected absent-mindedly, eyes fluttering open as she remembered to roll up the stuff she'd taken down into careful rolls to be kept at the back of the closet. Felt odd to be storing them away given the intention of taking them down, but it felt wronger to throw them. 

"Right, posters," he nodded. "Why?"

"I thought it was about time, is all."

"You... Thought it was about time?" repeated Chat, and she couldn't tell why his voice sounded a little strained. "Had a little change in taste of fashion, Princess?"

Marinette chuckled humourlessly. "You can say _that_ again _._ "

Chat hummed and watched her slip down the ladder to hand him the platter of croissants she'd taken aside for him. 

"You okay, Princess?"

"Stressed," she muttered under her breath. 

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, as he dropped on the chaise and she trudged to drop down onto the floor between his knees. 

He picked her brush off her chaise lounge and started to gentle run it through her hair. 

"Everything okay, kitty? You seem quieter than usual."

"I- Well, never mind. You're already stressed as is."

She turned around to look up at him, cheek resting against his knee. "Chat Noir. You know it doesn't work like that. Talk to me!"

Chat sighed, flicking her forehead lightly so she turned back around. He started to braid her hair carefully, worrying his lower lip as he contemplated his words. "My girlfriend broke up with me."

"Oh, Chat, I'm so sorry," she gasped, starting to turn around but, he kept a firm hand on her shoulder to hold her in place. Surprised, she stopped resisting now curious and a little concerned for her partner. 

"Nothing to be sorry about," he sighed. "I think it was inevitable. Once the rush of the newness of it all went away, it was all... the _same_ , you know? Our parents are strict and there wasn't really much to do, but that never bothered her. I tried to get her to play video games with me, but... Well, she's very smart, and a very no-nonsense, practical type of a person, you know? She did not see the point of it, but I know she tried to. But I could tell she didn't enjoy it. And..." he trailed away, voice coming down to a slow mutter. "And it doesn't help that I'm a superhero. Secrets are not good for relationships apparently. That, and the other small things... And her thinking I was in love with someone else-"

"Ladybug?"

"Maybe," he murmured. "But she thinks its someone else."

"Oh."

"It just... Really did nothing to help. I don't even know if we're friends now."

"That's awful," Marinette whispered, as Chat snapped the rubberband on her finished French braid.

"Ta-da!"

Marinette giggled. "Thank you, Chat."

He lounged back as Marinette scurried away to clean her hairbrush and put it away in her vanity. 

"So, have you thought about what to say to Luka?" he asked casually, one leg swung over his knee as he tried to look nonchalant, but his alert kitty ears and stiff shoulders gave him away. 

She sighed and looked at him wistfully. "Yeah."

When she didn't elaborate, he quirked a brow. "And?"

"I'm going to have to turn him down," she sighed. 

"What, why? I thought you liked him!"

"I do, I think," agreed Marinette. "We've been on a couple of dates and-" She flushed. "-And kissed a little, but I just... Realised that it won't last. Whether or not we make it "official", like he wants to."

"Princess, you can't know _that_ ," said Chat, a wistful smile on his face, his eyes a little sad. 

"I do know," she sighed. "I have... Too many responsibilities. I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend that flakes all the time. Luka doesn't deserve that. I just... Have too much going on."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"It is what it is, chaton."

"Sad, is what it is," he sighed.

Marinette agreed.

* * *

PART - III

* * *

_Ten months sober, I must admit_

_Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it_

_Ten months older, I won't give in_

_Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it_

It was strange really - in a relieving sort of way - how her heart did not race as fast anymore in his presence. She didn't feel like she would become one with the floor when he held her hand, which he seemed to like to do a _lot_ now. She also knew that Alya had noticed, and was thankful that despite the gleam in her eyes and occasional pointed quirking of her brow, Alya did not really say anything. She really did love her best friend so freakin' much.

She did think there was a fragile quality to their friendship - maybe it was just her, worrying like she usually did, or maybe it was just the truth - that had formed since the ten months she'd returned the umbrella, well, technically speaking, three months since she'd returned the umbrella because it took her that long to dull the ache at the sight of him. And the fear of breaking what she'd worked so hard to build still kept her from spending too much alone time with him, because sometimes when he looked at her that warmly with the fond smile etched on his face. On the bright side, at least her heart didn't ache anymore at the thought of him kissing someone else. 

She found herself, on very rare occasions, reminscing about the childish hope and lightheadedness of being so deeply in love with him. She missed feeling that light, maybe because now the weight of the world had only gotten heavier on her shoulders, and she associated the silliness of it all with a time when her biggest problem was how she was going to confess Adrien. Not dealing with the aftermath of revealed identities and being left with no allies, of being the new guardian - possibly the only teenager with access to _that_ much power on the planet - and guarding all that power, not potentially losing all of her memories, not having to think about a timeline where her partner and her were in love strong enough to destroy the world and definitely not worrying about if this was all there was to life anymore because really, when would this end? How would this end? Will it ever? 

She felt a gentle squeeze against her hand and she shook herself from the dangerous spiral that she was heading into. She found Adrien smiling at her like _that_ again - and something warm flared in her chest, _again_ \- and she shook it off. Easier than she would have ten months ago. 

"You okay there?"

"I'm good."

"Do you, er, want to, um, maybe grab some hot chocolate after school?"

His cheeks were red, or maybe she was just imagining it. His eyes were soft, or maybe she was just imagining it. He looked nervous, or maybe she was imagining it. 

And it was raining. 

Her eyes darted to take in the sky and lightning crackled overhead. 

"Looks like the perfect weather for it," she murmured, and he beamed at her. She took a lungful of that fresh air, singing with the metallic aftertaste of lightning, thunder, earth and rain. "Let me just text Alya and Nino."

_Rain came pouring down_

_When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe_

_And by morning_

_Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean._

**Author's Note:**

> maybe i'll write a sequel or something more to fill in the gaps, not sure. maybe a little bit of adrien pov as well? idk. this needed to be out of my system is all.
> 
> send asks or questions about this fic, or anything mlb and i'll be happy to discuss! :D - [activechataclysme.](https://activechataclysme.tumblr.com/)


End file.
